My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
He-man has a Masters degree
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.