My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
All generalizations are stupid.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!