My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
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Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.