My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
guys i’ve cracked the code
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.