*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”