Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Feels

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.