My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV