My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home