Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭