Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

“you changed” bro i was 15

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”