My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)