My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
a badder mouse
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
😂😂
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?