my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
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Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
me and who