my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
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Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me, reading some of your tweets
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”