My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious