My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.