My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Two types of dogs.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”