Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*