Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Why is no one talking about this?!

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

Practicing safe sax

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch