My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Nice try, poison.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Cinematography is my passion
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god