My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.