Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Spa day..😅

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

🍞🦆

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

A duv-egg? In this economy?

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions