My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
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earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.