Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

A Match(.com), but for socks.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?