My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
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your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!