My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine