My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“I FIXED IT!”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”