My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
This is no longer winter this is harassment
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.