My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*