“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Sunday
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Cat or sheep
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I think I’ll stand
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.