“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex