“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I…do not understand how electricity works.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim