“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]