Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.