Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea