“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken