Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

i was baptized in a car wash

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

me after i passed that state trooper

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs