“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
New tinder profile pic
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.