“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
😏😏😏
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters