Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.