Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

This is hilarious

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.