Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?