My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
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JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.