Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

my friends when i can’t do basic math

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’