My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Schrödinger’s cookie
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.