My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES