Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.