My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
