my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
You Might Also Like
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes