My good tweets are in my other pants.
You Might Also Like
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key