My good tweets are in my other pants.
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wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane