my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
everyone has that one prude friend
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.