Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes