Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

i think both sides are to blame here

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.