my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
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My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Sign at work today
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?