My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

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Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..


Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.


cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”


I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying


Remember when double entry was an accounting term?


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers


-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive