Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?
Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive