Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Love thy neighbor’s dog

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*