my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
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[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!