My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.