My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.