My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I fixed it. For me
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After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey