My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects