My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
You Might Also Like
Howl 😭
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢