My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
