My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
FINE, I WON’T.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.