My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.