My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.