My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh


Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.


Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*


Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.


Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.


25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.


when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.


Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.


Go ahead, try and use the word “panache” in a non-douchey way. You can’t.