@juneohara65

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

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@bea_ker

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

@UnFitz

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

@LizHackett

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

@xerxesbigboy

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

@NOTVIKING

when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.

@patnspankme

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

@buddhatree

Go ahead, try and use the word “panache” in a non-douchey way. You can’t.