My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
2 years later
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.