My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
We found love in a hopeless place.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…