Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

dril cadence

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

HERE’S MARKY

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.