“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
You Might Also Like
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
lmao😭🤣
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.