“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”