“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’