Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

something like this could probably happen to anyone

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support