“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other