Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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SF is the wild wild west man
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
brian had himself a morning…
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.